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Belonging, Race and Inclusion

November 3, 2025

The Truth About Belonging

At our core, humans are social creatures. Our need to belong is not a social construct; it is biological. Other people matter to us in a way nothing else in the physical world can match.

That’s why we are wired to notice who feels familiar — who feels like us.
Certain parts of the brain activate when we imagine what others might be thinking or feeling. Do they share my faith? Would they understand my fears? Will they see me as safe?

Interestingly, these same brain regions aren’t involved when we notice physical traits such as height, weight, or skin colour. Which means our brains evolved to make social, not racial, distinctions.

Racism, then, is not an inevitable outcome of human nature. It is a construct — designed, marketed, and sold as fact. The truth is far more nuanced and far more human.

 

How We Were Trained to Misread Each Other

Belonging has always been mediated through class, religion, and culture — through the social codes that tell us who is “one of us.”

An educated Black man in a John Lewis suit is often more accepted in white middle-class circles than a white working-class man in Asda jeans. We see the same coded signals everywhere: the shoes worn to a BBC interview, the subtle inflections of accent that make an Oxford candidate seem “our sort.”

We have confused these social signals for something biological. We have taken a natural human instinct — the need to identify with those who feel familiar — and warped it into a system of division.

DEI teaches us to see race and gender as an identity. We are told it is ‘far right’ to identify people by race and gender. 

When we behave as though all Black people think alike or that every Indian and Pakistani has moved beyond partition, we’re not being inclusive. We’re being lazy. We are denying complexity.

Human difference is not the problem. Our need to capitalise it is.

What Slavery Really Revealed About Belonging

Systemic Constellations reveal that belonging is rarely simple. Even in the darkest chapters of history, it forms complicated, often painful bonds.

 

Take plantation life

Modern narratives assume every day was an unrelenting horror. It is true that for many, the suffering was immense. But to survive, human beings formed attachments — however conflicted — with those around them. As in any family or workplace, there were loyalties, affections, dependencies, and betrayals.

Love is resilient. It exists inside conflict, sickness, and even oppression. What love cannot tolerate is exclusion.

When we simplify the history of slavery into a single story of victim and perpetrator, we eliminate the intricate human web that sustained life through unbearable circumstances. The truth is not comfortable, but it does bring us closer to healing.

 

The Economics of Division

Our social group — who we appear to belong to — often decides the treatment we receive:
a smile or a suspicious glance, a loan approved or denied, a promotion given or withheld.

This is not race at work. This is belonging — or its absence — playing out in everyday transactions.

Those who profit from maintaining division have long known this. They turned visual difference into hierarchy, hierarchy into policy, and policy into “race.” The illusion was so convincing that we began to believe it ourselves.

Academics and leaders have either failed to see through this illusion or benefited from it. Either way, the result is the same: separation and conflict disguised as truth.

 

The Real Story

Belonging is not defined by skin colour, nor is love.
It is shaped by age, gender, class, faith, sexuality, ability, and countless other markers of identity.

In Britain today, the most openly despised group is arguably the poor white working man — the one everyone else feels permitted to look down upon. Jean-Paul Sartre illustrated this kind of projection perfectly. A woman complains that her furrier is Jewish, as if that alone explains her dissatisfaction. Sartre asks: why not simply dislike the furrier? Why Jews?

When we need someone to blame, we reach for group identity. It feels easier, cleaner. But it’s also dishonest.

 

Belonging’s Double Edge

Belonging comforts and divides in equal measure.
To belong somewhere is to be excluded elsewhere. We each have a choice in how we participate in that exclusion — whether we reinforce it or question it.

In Systemic Constellations, we work to make these hidden loyalties visible. We look at how inherited ideas about who is “in” and who is “out” still govern our families, institutions, and our nations.

Because belonging is powerful.
It is the field through which love, inclusion, exclusion, and humanity all flow.

And when we see through the illusion of race — when we recognise belonging as the deeper truth — we begin to heal not only our families, but the world that shaped them.

Migration, Invisible Ledgers, Living Ancestors,

September 18, 2025

Migration, trauma, family obligations — these experiences don’t just vanish with time. They leave traces, shaping the way love, loyalty, and fairness flow across generations.

What anthropology shows us

In the 1950s, the anthropologist May Edel studied my paternal family and clan, which resided in Southwestern Uganda. She observed how fairness and reciprocity were embedded in daily life. Marriage was not only about two people but about two families — carefully balanced through bride-price and exchange. Ancestors were not distant memories; they were living presences, sanctioning those who failed in their duties.

Here, love was not private. It was systemic, collective, and accountable.

 

What psychotherapy discovered

At the same time, Hungarian psychiatrist Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy was writing Invisible Loyalties. Having fled war and exile, he brought a different language: psychology, therapy, ethics. Yet his insights echoed what Edel had described.

Ivan spoke of invisible ledgers that record debts and entitlements in families. He described the loyalties that bind children to their parents, even in the face of suffering. He named the burden of parentification, when children carry adult responsibilities in the aftermath of loss or migration. And he showed how unresolved injustices create what he called destructive entitlement — the pull to sabotage, over-give, or repeat suffering in an unconscious attempt to balance the family’s books.

What science is uncovering now

Today, modern biology adds another dimension. Studies with Holocaust survivors, refugee families, and mothers under extreme stress show that trauma can leave marks not just in memory but in the body itself. These marks — often called epigenetic changes — can influence how stress is carried into the next generation.

Scientists debate the details; however, the direction is clear: trauma travels. The past can live in our cells as much as in our stories.

Why this matters for us now

Put together, these threads — anthropology, therapy, biology — all point to the same truth: nothing disappears until it is acknowledged. Families, like societies, carry ledgers of love and injustice. When the balance is broken, someone later in the line will carry the cost.

Healing starts when we look, when we listen, and when we give each part of the story its place.

This is the purpose and work of Systemic Constellations. To reveal the hidden loyalties. Name the forgotten ancestors. And, to restore balance so that love can flow again.

If you are ready to restore the flow of love in your family system, join me at my workshop:  Love & Other Things

Or book a Discovery Call today

Systemic Constellations in Modern Times

September 5, 2025

 

Systemic Constellations play a truly meaningful role in today’s world because their work helps us understand and address deep-rooted issues that affect individuals, families, and communities. In a time filled with global challenges such as colonial legacy, racial inequality, migration, and transgenerational trauma, Systemic Constellations offers a hopeful path to healing and reconciliation. It emphasises not just individual growth but also the importance of healing collective and ancestral wounds that influence our society today.

 

Here’s why Systemic Constellations are so relevant for this era:

  1. Healing Trans-Generational Trauma

Today, many people are quietly carrying the weight of trans-generational trauma from historical events like slavery, the Holocaust, war, colonialism, and forced migration. These wounds aren’t just personal- they ripple through families and communities across generations. Systemic Constellations offers a gentle way to recognise how these traumas are passed down. It offers a promising healing approach that addresses the root cause, enabling individuals and families to find freedom from inherited pain and unresolved issues. With more people seeking to understand and heal from the lasting effects of their ancestral histories, this work feels more important than ever.

 

  1. Reconciliation and Social Healing

The Systemic Constellations approach is particularly suitable for an era urgently needing reconciliation, both personal and collective. The method recognises how historical conflicts, such as those stemming from colonialism, ethnic violence, or political upheavals, continue to influence modern relationships and identities. By bringing these dynamics to light in a therapeutic setting, I seek to create opportunities for individuals, families, and organisations to reconcile with the past and move towards a more peaceful future. This emphasis on collective healing is vital in a world where societies are still working through the trauma caused by historical injustices and divisions.

 

  1. Restoring Connection in a Fragmented World

Modern life often feels fragmented, with people disconnected from their families, communities, and even their own sense of identity. A systemic approach emphasises interconnectedness—showing how we are all part of larger systems (familial, cultural, and societal) that deeply influence our lives. Systemic Constellations work helps people rediscover their place within these systems, restoring a sense of belonging and continuity that is often missing in today’s fast-paced, individualistic world. In an era of increasing social isolation and mental health crises, this reconnection is profoundly healing.

 

  1. Understanding Hidden Dynamics in Families and Societies

Constellations work reveals the hidden dynamics within family systems, which often operate unconsciously and influence behaviour, relationships, and emotional well-being. In a world where family structures are becoming increasingly complex due to migration, divorce, cultural shifts, and social change, Systemic Constellations provides a tool for understanding how unresolved family issues continue to significantly impact individuals. This awareness can help people break destructive patterns, repair relationships, and lead more fulfilling lives, benefiting both individuals and society as a whole.

 

  1. Addressing Global Migration and Displacement

The issue of migration and displacement is a defining challenge of this era, with millions of people being uprooted due to conflict, economic hardship, or environmental crises. Migration often leads to trauma, loss, and disconnection from one’s ancestral roots. A systemic approach offers a powerful way to address the psychological and emotional effects of migration, both for the individuals who are displaced and their descendants. It helps people reconnect with their heritage, heal the trauma of displacement, and find a sense of belonging in new environments.

 

  1. Breaking Cycles of Guilt and Shame

Systemic Constellations addresses the burdens of guilt, shame, and responsibility that are often inherited within families and communities. In an era where people increasingly recognise the legacy of historical injustices—such as slavery, colonialism, and genocide—Systemic Constellations offers insights into how guilt and shame are passed down and their particular relevance. Its approach suggests ways to release these burdens, not through denial or avoidance, but by recognising the truth, creating space for healing, and encouraging reconciliation across generations.

 

  1. Reintegration of Masculine and Feminine Energies

Systemic Constellations also explore the balance of masculine and feminine energies within families and systems, offering insights into how distorted or unbalanced relationships between these energies can affect individuals and societies. In a time of shifting gender roles and evolving understandings of masculinity and femininity, this work helps people explore these dynamics, fostering greater harmony and understanding in relationships, both within families and in the wider social context.

 

  1. A Path Toward Collective Healing

As the world faces collective challenges and disruptions—such as climate change, political polarisation, and social inequality—the need for collective healing has never been more urgent. Systemic Constellations work emphasises that healing cannot occur solely on an individual level; it must happen within the larger systems we are part of. By addressing unresolved traumas and hidden dynamics within these systems, Systemic Constellations opens a pathway towards healing that can ripple out from families to entire communities and even nations.

 

In Summary:

Systemic Constellations holds great importance today, as it offers a compassionate and comprehensive approach to healing deep-rooted traumas and conflicts that impact individuals, families, and societies. The focus on transgenerational trauma, reconciliation, and systemic connections provides valuable tools for thoughtfully navigating our complex world. In an era of global change, Systemic Constellations offers insights into healing the past and fostering a more peaceful, united future are more vital than ever, guiding us towards greater trust and understanding.

Why Boundaries Matter

July 17, 2025

One of the most important practices in systemic healing, and life in general, is learning how to set boundaries. This might sound obvious, but in my experience, very few people actually know how to do it, especially when it comes to emotional or energetic boundaries. And almost no one talks about boundaries with the dead.

Yes, the dead.

Entanglements in the System

In Systemic Constellations, we work with what’s known as “entanglements” — unconscious loyalties we carry for members of our family system, often across generations. Some of these entanglements are with people who are no longer alive. And yet, the effects are very much present in our lives: chronic fatigue, lack of direction, overwhelm, guilt that doesn’t feel like our own, or a strange sense of invisibility or displacement.

In workshops or one-to-one sessions, I sometimes use a long scarf or piece of tape laid on the floor. It acts as a clear visual and physical marker: this side is for the living, that side is for the dead. It’s simple, but for those carrying something that doesn’t belong to them — a sibling who was never spoken of, a grandmother’s grief, the trauma of war, it is often the first time they can feel the difference.

The truth is, many people never learned how to set boundaries, not even with their own mothers, let alone anyone else. They grew up inside someone else’s energy field, emotions, or expectations. When this happens, we don’t develop a strong sense of self, as our own emotional body gets hijacked by the needs of others, living or dead.

That’s why boundary work is often the first thing I do with clients, even before setting up a Constellation. It gives us an energetic foundation. It helps the client return to their own space. Sometimes, I will invite them to imagine they’re standing on an island, alone, breathing, feeling, becoming aware of what belongs to them and what doesn’t. We might place a few ancestors behind them for support, to feel the strength of their lineage at their back. It’s often profoundly moving and strengthening.

It’s also not a one-time fix.

A Constellation can show the roots of an unhealthy relationship and even shift the dynamic at a soul level. But the question that always follows is: What now?

The answer is usually: Boundaries. Real ones. Repeatedly reinforced.

That means setting boundaries with the living and with the dead and learning how to stay inside your own body, noticing when you have left your body. Being honest with yourself when your default is to please, to rescue, or to disappear.

Sometimes I will bring in a representative for “Client’s Strong, Healthy Boundary.” That simple move often reveals what is really going on, unlike the more abstract idea of “Client’s Higher Good,” which can sometimes feel a little passive. Working with the boundary is more grounded. It helps the client see that they are part of the solution. That their healing is an active process..

This is not easy. Our brains prefer the tried-and-tested patterns that feel safe because they are familiar, especially those established in childhood. And if you’ve spent years out of your body — because it didn’t feel safe to be in there — then building emotional and energetic boundaries will take time. That’s okay.

We begin where we are.

Boundary exercises help us reconnect with ourselves. They ask us to breathe deeper. To feel the edges of our own being. To accept that we have a right to be here, in this body, with our life force energy flowing freely.

If you have been living in someone else’s story, or carrying someone else’s pain, or feeling haunted by something you can’t name, you are not alone. And it’s not your fault.

However, it is your responsibility to reclaim your space.

You don’t have to do it alone.

Ready to take the next step?

Join me at my next Systemic Constellations workshop — designed to support deep boundary work and reconnection with your ancestral field.
Book your place on Love & Other Things

 If you prefer a more private setting, you can book a 1-1 session with me.

Shame of the shame

June 27, 2025

The shame of the shame of the shame is the shame that who we are as we are is not enough. What we are not enough of is never clearly defined. If it were, it would be clear that who we are as we are is precisely enough.

 

There is one straightforward path to success, and it starts with healing shame. The trouble with shame is that addressing it often involves facing our shame, which can feel like shaming. For this reason, few people ever really heal their shame and experience the joy of life and the success that follows. By success, I am not referring to financial success, although financial success is a symptom of how much love we are willing to receive in return for the love we give through our labour and efforts. In the absence of shame, money flows more readily towards us. The success I am referring to is potentially available to all those who want love. To be in a healthy relationship with ourselves and others is the highest success we can achieve. It is a reflection of our heart and its willingness to accept ourselves and others as we are, free of shame.

Leaving Eden

The concept of being shame-free is poignant. Eden is where we are free of shame. Eden is in the arms of our mother at the moment of birth. Maturity is the departure from our mother’s arms, and it is the departure from Eden. If we succeed, we return to Eden through our love for ourselves and another exactly as we are. Acceptance liberates us from shame.

 

Despite the potential that comes with freeing ourselves from shame, it remains one of the least popular topics for humans to discuss. Most would rather do anything else than talk about their shame; occasionally, in the late hours, a few martinis might loosen lips only to retreat with the shame of the hangover that follows in the wake of sharing our hidden selves too freely. We all have shame to some degree; it is a feature of life. We experience guilt as something we did. We experience shame as something we are. The behaviours we adopt are curated to disguise the tender places we have found to store our shame, our true selves.

 

Eve’s Domain at the Esalen Institute

 

Shame will have us believe that the real version of ourselves, exactly as we are, is just not good enough, lovable enough, or perfect enough. Better we project that image onto those in the public domain, celebrities, politicians. Anyone it is acceptable to loathe or despise can be a safe place to project our shame. Our sense of shame is best described as helplessness in the face of something we need or want.

 

The opposite of shame is not pride; the opposite of shame is desire.

 

The seeds of shame find their roots in the arms of our mother and or our father when our needs are not met or met in an inconsistent way or in a way that frightens us. As a result, we cannot gain confidence that we can expect our desires and needs to be met. This shame is embedded in our psychic and somatic processes. Shame is a prison of the mind as much as it is a prison of the body. And this partly answers why it is so rarely talked about, there are few words to express what did not start as a cognitive process.

 

Childhood trauma resulting from parental violence can severely damage a child’s sense of belonging and fill them with a deep understanding of shame. This feeling of shame can often contribute to experiences of racism and exclusion as we grow older. It is not that the external world seeks to exclude us; we don’t feel worthy of being included.

 

Most people find a way to make a conversation about anything that touches on their shame disappear instead of addressing it. We are very good at creating elaborate tactics to alleviate the feeling of shame. Some will seek to find fault in another, thus shifting the burden of responsibility elsewhere. Some others will accuse you of shaming them. This way, they duck out of a rising sense of shame, a thermal glow across the cheeks, a pinching sensation in the chest, a trembling in the lips and around the mouth, sometimes the ears pound, a silent thunder caught in our throat, heart dances a Rhumba as the riptide of years of ancestral shame passed from one generation to the washes over our body. Mentally, shame is nearly always experienced as a disgust toward the self.

 

Because it is often such a deep wound, there are no meaningful quick-fix techniques for self-repulsion. Shame is often not in the cognitive part of who we are, so talking about it for an hour each week has limited effects. Shame resides in our earliest relationships, so the ultimate healing will occur in a supported space of loving tenderness, compassion, and care where it is possible for our whole body to feel and express the need, desire, or feeling that lives beneath the shame. This is why embodied therapeutic modalities are so effective. The memory of trauma in our body can be alleviated by creating a new memory, one of acceptance and love.

 

Racism, Oppression and Shame

Shame dissolves when it is brought into the light of our consciousness. When met with empathy and compassion, it melts like ice held in the soft arc of a warm hand. Imagine how different your life would be if you surrendered your attachment to holding onto shame.

 

Often, the shame does not belong to us. In Systemic Constellations, we can observe how shame is inherited and lovingly passed from one generation to the next. The following generation agrees to carry it out of loyalty, love and a need to belong. Racism is not an experience common to all, nor is it particular to people with darker skin. This is an example of how the trauma of shame interferes with our perception of reality. Racism is the expression of shame. The racist and the anti-racist find each other because they share the same wound. It is not unusual that once childhood trauma is addressed and an appropriate place has been created for family loyalties that support and uplift, the experience of racism fades or diminishes from our awareness. A good therapist will support you in holding this image in your heart. Many won’t or can’t because they have not attended to their own wounding and shame.

 

People who belong to oppressed groups and those who belong to groups that oppress others. I highlight these two groups simply because all humans alive today are descended from people who, at some point, belonged to both. The need to control and exclude those who don’t conform to a trauma-informed perception of the world is replaced with healthy connections to people and life.

 

Across the vast expanse of continents on Earth, millions live lives that they do not fully own because of shame. To a greater or lesser degree, we all have shame. We don’t all experience racism. Not all children are raised in violent environments or homes where shame is transmitted transgenerationally. Once children are protected from violence and a belief that they are worthless, racism will continue to decline. Discrimination is a slightly different matter; I will address it another time. For now, there is real-life value in addressing practical solutions to shame.

 

We can start by gifting future generations a model of the world informed by connections rooted in empathy and compassion.

 

The way out is through.

Those who find the courage to transcend shame discover something extraordinary: our success in life is determined by how true we are to our dreams and the truth of who we are. There is no other measure. To heal shame, we must be willing to face and be present with it. It may feel uncomfortable; however, it is nowhere near as painful as continuing to live with shame. It starts with finding sufficient courage to go to the heart of the matter, where our courage resides. Here, we discover what we may be holding there. As we shine a light on shame, it loses its power over us to keep us small. As shame is healed, creativity flows, and we flourish. This is the definition of success.

 

Here are a few things you can do to tune in to your shame:

1) Place your left hand over your heart. Close your eyes and take three deep breaths in through your nose and out through your mouth. Now, notice what happens when you ask yourself: “What is the need, desire or feeling beneath the shame?” Give yourself space and time to notice what thoughts, feelings, ideas and images come up.

2) You can use a journal to make notes and write down what you notice and experience. It’s a bit like a confession. It brings sweet relief!

3) When you have finished your exploration, offer yourself tender, loving kindness. “I deserve to be happy, safe, accepted and loved.” “It is my right to live free of pain and suffering.” “I am starting to see that I am a wonderful human being, worthy of love and kindness from myself and others.”

4) Feel free to message me and let me know how it went and what you experienced.

 

Esalen Workshop

Eve’ Domain at Esalen Institute

April 22, 2025

Eve’s Domain — A Three-Day Immersive Workshop with Zita Tulyahikayo

Esalen Institute, California | 29th — 31st August 2025

Beyond Shame

Many of us have inherited stories that tell us we are ‘too much’ or ‘not enough’, that our intuition can not be trusted, and that power comes at a price. We are taught that belonging is earned through obedience and silencing ourselves, and many others spend their lives sacrificing themselves to fit in.

 

Some people struggle to understand that these stories are not ours to tell. Through storytelling and myths, we inherit ideas and beliefs that don’t necessarily support us in living a fully expressed life. Perhaps it is time to surface and revise some old myths around exclusion, guilt, and shame.

 

                                                             What if Eve didn’t fall? What if she remembered?

 

Why This Workshop

Eve’s Domain is a three-day immersive experience that will support you in liberating yourself from inherited shame and guide you toward a deeper sense of belonging, love, and connection. It is a space for truth-telling, restoration, and reconnection to the power, beauty, and grace of matriarchy and matrilineal systems that live within each of us.

 

Whether you are carrying family secrets, shame around being seen, a secret desire, or questions that don’t fit inside the frameworks you were given, then Eve’s Domain is a space that welcomes you, as you are.

 

What to Expect?

We will be working with mini Systemic Constellations to create three-dimensional living maps. This unique approach, designed and developed by me, reveals the hidden dynamics of guilt, shame, and a desire for freedom. You don’t need to bring a problem or have prior experience. All you need is to bring yourself, a willingness to be present, and a heart open to the abundance and beauty life wants to gift you.

 

What Others Have Said

“I didn’t know how much shame I was carrying until I stood in one of Zita’s constellations… What happened to me in those three days was subtle but life-changing. I stopped apologising for my presence.”

— former participant, London

“Zita holds a clear, respectful, wisdom informed space. It is completely unlike anything I’ve experienced before.”

— facilitator, UK

“The work is subtle but powerful. It’s like something shifts beneath the surface—like a knot begins to loosen where it’s been tight for generations.”

— participant, anonymous

When & Where

Esalen Institute, Big Sur, California

      August 29th -31st

🔗 Esalen Institute – Eve’s Domain

(Limited spaces available. Early booking is recommended.)

This is a space for you if:

  • You’re tired of carrying shame that isn’t yours
  • You’ve felt exiled from your body, your voice, or your lineage
  • You long to reconnect with a version of the feminine that honours strength, softness, wisdom, and truth
  • You’re seeking a place of dignity, depth, and restoration—no fixing, only remembering, acknowledging and honouring

                                                               

                                                               If something in you feels the call, trust that.

 

Come and walk with us in Eve’s Domain.

For any questions or more information, feel free to get in touch via zita@lifetherapywithzita.com

Liberation and the Art of Self Maintenance

January 30, 2025

Liberation is up to us.

 

If someone had said this to me twenty years ago, I would have popped a cable, my mind exploding in all directions with outrage. In the world of ideas that I occupied, blaming the state, the system, and the man was the only acceptable truth to stand on.

“We cannot change anything until we accept it. Condemnation does not liberate, it oppresses.” – Carl Jung

 

Understanding the value and importance of this sentence has been one of the most liberating for me, and it can be for you, too. It helps us know ourselves and others in a way that transcends a binary model of the world. In this evolutionary model, good guys and bad guys, oppressors and victims, exist in another dimension where pain and suffering are requirements. It is a world we can return to any time we want to suffer.

As we attune ourselves to living without suffering, we can spend longer periods of time in this parallel world full of wonder and beauty. You don’t actually have to do anything. You are free. Mistakes are permitted, experimenting is encouraged, and there is a richness and abundance that inspires and delights. It is not a perfect world. It is perfectly flawed.

 

Now, imagine this. There is a world outside this model where victims, oppressors, and saviours don’t exist. It is a beautiful world full of people expressing love in ways we may not understand.

 

These conspiracy theories about bad faith actors and so on are part of a model of conspiracy theories. Conspiracy theories are more than wild stories; they tap deep into our psychological needs and fears. They arise from a deep-seated need to make order out of chaos. By holding onto certain conspiracy narratives, we can form group identities and bonds.

 

Those of you who have attended my workshops or private sessions know that you are there because some part of your family system needs an order of love restored. This makes sense when we consider that family systems are always seeking to accomplish the task of development.

 

Each generation seeks something better than what existed before. We can see this in migration, upward social mobility, procreation, aspiration, and so on. Nevertheless, vulnerabilities in parents or children derived from trauma in previous generations sometimes require the family to compensate for those vulnerabilities in ways that obstruct the intention to proceed.

 

When raising a child, parents identify with their children through their own experiences as children. This can be a helpful perspective for many parents; we see it in the joy and delight parents experience when they observe their child’s progress and development. It can also bring up any challenges the parents had when they were children. As a result, parents can inadvertently relate to their child as the child they secretly need (or fear) instead of making space to discover the child they have. As part of belonging and need for survival, children are sensitive to their parent’s anxiety. Children have an innate need to protect their biological parents, which can lead the child to secretly conform to the image their parents have of them.

 

If parents hold a particularly fixed model of the world, life, and safety, children will follow their beliefs. Rebellion is not a rejection of the beliefs; it is a pause. The need to belong is not defined by conditions of the mind; blood is thicker than water. And we are all profoundly influenced by the rules of our tribe.

 

Imagine you come from a family that has experienced oppression in the past or was part of a group that had rules that felt particularly oppressive; religion, communism, slavery, and dictatorships are just some examples many of us have been exposed to. The patterns of belief and behaviour may no longer exist, but their effects are keenly felt as each generation lives as if they still hold true. As such, we all play a part in recreating them through the power of our unconscious beliefs.

 

Leaving systems of oppression is not easy; it’s a bit like leaving a cult when we consider that we are born into two cults, our mother’s and our father’s. It requires effort and love to transcend the belonging and trust that the love and the right to belong will remain.

 

It might sound complicated, in reality, it’s not. We can think of these as secret contracts made a long time ago. These ‘contracts’ are not literal agreements; they are unconscious beliefs and expectations we’ve internalised from our family systems. The contracts that support us in honouring our family’s need to develop are easy on us; they give us a sense of agency, strength and openness. The less helpful contracts sit in our blind spot and convince us that the world or others are set against us; we feel the effects of these limiting beliefs in our financial affairs, relationships, life partners, children, politics, our perception of society and more. We know them as fear, anxiety, depression, illness, rage, and a certain discomfort with not knowing or a need to control who and what others do, think, are or choose to become.

 

Embarking on the journey of liberation is not easy, but it’s worth it. It requires us to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. Liberation invites us to be curious, creative, and expansive. It’s a journey that strengthens us as we grow, and you can embark on too.

 

As I deepen my awareness and understanding, a thought comes to me. When we talk about oppressors and oppressive systems, it’s always a nameless, faceless group, a blob called ‘They’. But if you can’t name all the people who make up the ‘They’, then perhaps it’s time to stop blaming them for what is not working in your life. In fact, why blame anyone if your intention is to develop and live well? It would be better for you if you held onto your agency with both hands. If you keep giving it to the ‘They’, then you won’t have it.

 

It’s an interesting idea to ponder. How will I retrieve my agency and power?

 

This process involves recognising and challenging the unconscious beliefs and expectations that limit us, taking responsibility for our choices and actions, and cultivating a sense of agency and empowerment.

The Freedom of Limitations

January 6, 2025

Sometimes, there is pain
Sometimes, there is excitement
There are always new possibilities

 

I have always preferred the American approach to life, which asks, “Why not?” in contrast to the British refrain of “Why?”

Why? presupposes fear and limits: Why bother trying something when it is possibly, almost definitely, maybe likely to fail? The carefree starting position of Why not? implies we will not know unless we try, and in trying, we will likely discover some limitations or obstacles we can readily overcome with persistence and perseverance.

As a facilitator and a coach, I face this every day. I start with “Why not?” because it is not my place to assume the client’s limitations are my own and vice versa. As parents, we do something similar with teenagers. We think that because we can’t do something, they will not have the capacity to either. On the contrary, nature improves each successive generation, and diversity in thinking among large groups and family systems is a resource that serves all. We can, if we choose, sit back and marvel in awe and wonder.

It is freeing and liberating to know one’s limits and to test them. There are things I could not do as a child; testing has revealed as I get older, I am far better at things I could not do back then. And far less capable now of some things I could easily do as a child. For some, this can be a thing to mourn. There is a trend in grieving at the moment. I observe it in awe and curiosity. I wonder, had I not lost so much: my family in genocide and my parent’s culture through migration, would I be so clear in my wish to celebrate what is gained from knowing great loss?

Some grief is bottomless. You could spend a life in that place mourning all that is lost and forgetting to honour and celebrate all we have with reverence and gratitude. Mourning with integrity is a celebration of what has and will always be loved. There is no right or wrong way to go about it, for some mourning can last four hundred years when loyalty permits the need to suffer without end.

Sometimes, grieving without end pulls us into the realm of the dead. Remember, life and death love us equally; both will welcome us with open arms. It is for us to decide which we would prefer, the abundance of life or the limits of death—the freedom of our limitations or the limitations of our freedom.

Life is full of choices. Some we can control, and others are in the hands of the Gods. Fate, Kismet, destiny—whichever word you prefer—exists in every language, suggesting that, like soul, spirit, zest, and zeal, it is a universal feature of life.

Similarly, some ideas invite us to wholly embrace life, and many more ask us to embrace its limits. I see this most often in the mechanical application of our experience as humans. We are rewired, triggered, programmed, disinformed, misinformed, and so on, as if we are machines programmed solely by our life experiences. Constellations reveal something different because the spiritual aspect is prevalent in life. As spiritual beings, we are moved to experience things in a particular way as a result of the soul making meaning of something that becomes thought. A machine is triggered by a mechanical event; it is not sentient, and it is not part of a family soul. These trances that invite us to know ourselves as mechanical facilitate the disconnection from understanding ourselves as beings that are part of the planet we are told we need to save. The result, as we see, is collective hysteria, shock, disbelief, and suicidal ideation when confronted with reality.

It is also possible that we are the living expression of a soul, our family soul, which is connected to the Great Spirit that is seeking and learning through each of us. In this way, how free can we ever be?

The soul is a power that keeps all living things moving. It governs development and procreation, bears witness to the exchange between all living things, keeps them alive, and then seems to leave them when their time is fulfilled. Life is not personal to us; we do not know it and cannot control it. In this sense, we cannot lose either. The soul, my soul, your soul, our soul. All souls are in service to another higher power that is all-knowing. We don’t have a soul. We are in a soul.

As we move into the depths of winter in the northern hemisphere, I invite you to consider the possibilities of the unknown and the unknowable so that our journey onward, regardless of where we are, can always be a delicious surprise!

Water Has No Enemy

November 16, 2022

If we could look into each other’s hearts and understand the unique challenges each of us faces, I think we would treat each other far more gently, with more love, patience, tolerance, and care.

Compassionate Inclusion is a matter that always remains close to my heart. I know how easy it is to make a place in my heart for those I agree with and those who agree with me. The real challenge is to keep my heart open to those whose view of life is very different and take a further step toward those ideas that might be judged as abhorrent, vile, obnoxious, or wrong.

What is Compassionate Inclusion?

It starts from the premise that everything that exists has a right and reason to exist, even if we disagree.

We hear a lot of talk about belonging and our need to belong. What we hear less about is the dark side of belonging. Belonging includes and excludes. A soldier can go out in good faith and kill another human being for King and country, even though he knows in his heart that murder is wrong. He is innocent of murder when he is loyal to his King and country. He is guilty of murder when he is devoted to believing that all life is sacred. When we are faithful to one group in our belonging, we feel innocent, even if that means we must exclude the other. Our life experience is informed by the perpetual motion of the pendulum swinging back and forth between guilt and innocence. The soft skill of managing these contrasting states is the fine art of compassion, humility and grace.

Compassionate Inclusion invites us to hold our belongings lightly in a way that allows us to make a space in our hearts for those who don’t belong. For example, we might belong to a group that believes that capitalism is evil and that anyone who supports capitalism is a greedy oppressor set on destroying the world. We may never know who or what others are loyal to in belonging to a group that believes capitalism is a force for good. We might be more willing to open our hearts to them with compassion if we did. As humans, we all want others to look at us with kindness. When we close our hearts to others, we move away from the flow of love that supports all life. As a result, we suffer, and we contribute to the suffering of others.

Loyalty is love.

Who among us would judge the value of the way another person loves as lesser in value because it is different to our own?

When we hold a coin and turn it over, we are reminded that it has two sides and a circumference. The circumference is part of the whole that binds each side to the other. And in this view comes a valuable insight. One side cannot exist without the other. The moment we seek to reduce or erase the existence of the other, we limit ourselves and pave the way to our destruction.

A resolution arrives in accepting that there may be a higher value and purpose to the existence of the other that we cannot fully comprehend. It may not be our business to know or understand it: only accept that the other is in service of love too.

We find peace within when we can agree to the presence of the things that may offend us. We can trust that once we have made a place for the other in our hearts, the other no longer has the power to disturb our sense of peace.

This post originally appeared in my newsletter. Please get in touch to subscribe to my newsletter.

Paradise (2011) by Jamaican painter Tamara Natalie Madden

Ubuntu – A Force for Living Together

April 25, 2022

I first heard about Ubuntu in 1991. At the time, I was aware of the need for creating things that bring people together, the spirit of Ubuntu embodied this. I loved the concept so much that I named my first business Ubuntu.

Since that time, I have travelled a long road, living and working in Paris, New York, Los Angeles, Stockholm, and London. In that time, the world has changed considerably, mostly for the better, although I have a sense that is also because I have changed and discovered a more profound understanding of what community means.

Sustainable Travel

Travel is a beautiful way to expose oneself to difference and the amazing diversity in our world. Travel for me certainly opened my eyes to the reality that every living thing has a right to exist. Our responsibility is to nurture and support all our fellow human beings, even when their view of life stands in stark contrast to ours. There is no right or wrong. There is only different, and this makes us all the same. Exposure to diversity has only enhanced my appreciation of life and the intention of life itself.

An Ancient Code

Ubuntu is an ancient code of ethics referring to the human spirit. It is about goodwill, generosity, dignity, reconciliation, and a feeling of responsibility for our own well-being and the well-being of others. In this way, we can solve problems together. The moment we exclude others because their political, religious, and personal views differ, we lose essential pieces of the puzzle that supports all life. Ubuntu is a way of life that has held families and communities together for centuries. In this way, it is the heart and soul of Systemic Constellations work too. Both find their roots in the ancient traditions of Africa. As the first humans migrated out of Africa, it was the creative spirit of Ubuntu embedded in our need to survive that brought us to where we are today.

Ubuntu is a profound and natural way of being. It means to be a ‘human being’.

Ubuntu is Personal Growth and Development.

Much like Systemic Constellations therapy, Ubuntu is neither superficial nor fast. The meaning and significance of both can only really be understood through experience and through sharing that experience with others. In this way, we discover a universal bond of sharing that connects us all. Ubuntu, like Systemic Constellations, exists at the heart of every culture and tradition.

Workshops, a path to love

In my Systemic Family Constellations workshops, and in the teaching I offer on issues relating to racism, slavery and the residual effects of Empire and oppression, the spirit of Ubuntu is with me. It has to be; my ancestry is so diverse that the only way for me to create the peace, tranquillity and success I have in my life today was to build bridges across the cultural divides within. This personal journey has supported me well enough to confidently invite others to do the same. The outcomes are so astonishing some describe them as miraculous, magical, potent, powerful.

Life is, as we know, miraculous. It is the most precious gift we have, and as we find ways to accept life and our fellow citizens as they are, we experience a profound and lasting sense of peace with life.

To be at peace with life is not apathy. It is heart-centred activism.

Acceptance is a solid foundation for living well

It is the ground upon which we can securely stand to invite the meaningful change required to support all life. The planet is our community. It is for us to treasure, value, and love with humility and grace.

Systemic Constellations is popular because it harnesses the beauty of Ubuntu. I trust others will join me to re-ignite the spirit of humanity.

Imagine a world where our children and future generations are relieved of the pain and suffering of living in a disconnected world. A world in which each community feels supported because each member of the community feels seen, valued, respected and loved.

When a drop of water joins the ocean it changes the waves.

I am confident that if we can as individuals do our part to heal and resolve the pain of the past, everyone will benefit and prosper. A climate change in us would have a nourishing and positive effect on the climate of the planet. The ancients understood this, through Ubuntu and Systemic Constellations they gave us the key to the solutions we want and need.