The life experiences you have as early as 9 years of age can define much of who you are as an adult today. These early experiences and how we interpret them can shape and define how we approach life. How we live life, and how we take on blame.
How do we get stuck?
Between the age of 9 – 12 we are forming the foundation of our personality whilst at the same time we are entirely dependent on other people to keep us alive. We watch, listen and learn how to maintain a sense of belonging to them in order to assure our survival. It is a very important time in our journey through life and these impressions add considerable power and intensity to how we formulate our model of the world.
During this time we are looking to see how our parents interact with each other. How does Daddy get Mummy to keep loving him. How does Mummy get Daddy to keep loving her. Are they kind to each other. How do they speak to each other. How do they express this love. Do they touch each other. How do they support each other. What keeps love (togetherness) alive. What assures our place in the family and what behaviour makes us seemingly more or less lovable.
Depending on what we observe and how we choose to interpret it we can get stuck in this place and time, either because we feel we did not receive enough to leave. Or, because we got too much and want nothing to do with any of it. Perhaps it was stressful and played havoc with our nervous system or perhaps something frightened us and we retreated into our self to protect our self. If this period is challenging in some way we can easily form the belief that whatever is not right is the result of something we have done wrong. We blame ourselves.
This perception can come about in a number of ways. Let’s say you believe that you did not get enough because you were neglected or because you were consistently criticised. Perhaps your parents got divorced and your father left the family. Or your mother was often anxious, stressed out and angry. Perhaps your family had financial difficulties or your father seemed absent, distracted, detached. These are just some of the variables that commonly occur in family life.
Whichever it was for you, as the child you are likely to see yourself as the centre of the world and so it would be natural for you to come to the conclusion in your head that you were responsible. This is way in which you set yourself up to align with a pattern of blaming your self later on in life.
In reality there are many ways that you interact with the world and the world interacts with you that is far beyond your control. This does not mean you are not in control of some situations in life, it does mean that there are limits to what you have power over.
It is important for you to understand that such misguided beliefs can have a profound impact because they distort your perception of reality. If you believe that your experience is your fault when in reality it was not at all, you inadvertently give people and experiences the power to define who you are and what you will become. Not only is that a very limiting way to live it is also a very painful way to interact with the world.
Here is the solution
When I work with clients I direct the answer to the question ‘am I to blame?’ as follows: It does not matter what your strengths or weaknesses were. It does not matter if you needed additional support. It does not matter if you often had a tendency to feel a certain way. It does not matter if you were different to Emma, Lucy or Julia when you were in primary school. None of it matters. There is absolutely no thing that changes this simple truth. You were not to blame. It is only the natural limitations of an innocent and confused child that could possibly see it any other way.
When you heal your inner child and let that 9, 10, 11,12 year old child that lives within you know that they were not to blame, you start the process of healing the part of yourself that feels responsible and self blames for all the things over which you have absolutely no control. And once you heal that, you relinquish the need that creates the charge to keep paying the price for being the one to blame. It is quite a significant burden to relieve yourself of. It frees you up to really live your life fully, joyfully and with far less effort. And that is definitely a good thing!
It is time to stop blaming yourself and get out of your own way.
There are very few real obstacles to experiencing success in life, mostly they live in your head. Because they live in your head they are simple to change. Finding them can be tricky as they tend to sit in your blindspot, which is why working with a very good coach can help you navigate and find your way to freedom.
If your experience of life is stifled by self blame, book a session with me now to discover for yourself what freedom feels like. You can contact me here.