One of the most important practices in systemic healing, and life in general, is learning how to set boundaries. This might sound obvious, but in my experience, very few people actually know how to do it, especially when it comes to emotional or energetic boundaries. And almost no one talks about boundaries with the dead.
Yes, the dead.
Entanglements in the System
In Systemic Constellations, we work with what’s known as “entanglements” — unconscious loyalties we carry for members of our family system, often across generations. Some of these entanglements are with people who are no longer alive. And yet, the effects are very much present in our lives: chronic fatigue, lack of direction, overwhelm, guilt that doesn’t feel like our own, or a strange sense of invisibility or displacement.
In workshops or one-to-one sessions, I sometimes use a long scarf or piece of tape laid on the floor. It acts as a clear visual and physical marker: this side is for the living, that side is for the dead. It’s simple, but for those carrying something that doesn’t belong to them — a sibling who was never spoken of, a grandmother’s grief, the trauma of war, it is often the first time they can feel the difference.
The truth is, many people never learned how to set boundaries, not even with their own mothers, let alone anyone else. They grew up inside someone else’s energy field, emotions, or expectations. When this happens, we don’t develop a strong sense of self, as our own emotional body gets hijacked by the needs of others, living or dead.
That’s why boundary work is often the first thing I do with clients, even before setting up a Constellation. It gives us an energetic foundation. It helps the client return to their own space. Sometimes, I will invite them to imagine they’re standing on an island, alone, breathing, feeling, becoming aware of what belongs to them and what doesn’t. We might place a few ancestors behind them for support, to feel the strength of their lineage at their back. It’s often profoundly moving and strengthening.
It’s also not a one-time fix.
A Constellation can show the roots of an unhealthy relationship and even shift the dynamic at a soul level. But the question that always follows is: What now?
The answer is usually: Boundaries. Real ones. Repeatedly reinforced.
That means setting boundaries with the living and with the dead and learning how to stay inside your own body, noticing when you have left your body. Being honest with yourself when your default is to please, to rescue, or to disappear.
Sometimes I will bring in a representative for “Client’s Strong, Healthy Boundary.” That simple move often reveals what is really going on, unlike the more abstract idea of “Client’s Higher Good,” which can sometimes feel a little passive. Working with the boundary is more grounded. It helps the client see that they are part of the solution. That their healing is an active process..
This is not easy. Our brains prefer the tried-and-tested patterns that feel safe because they are familiar, especially those established in childhood. And if you’ve spent years out of your body — because it didn’t feel safe to be in there — then building emotional and energetic boundaries will take time. That’s okay.
We begin where we are.
Boundary exercises help us reconnect with ourselves. They ask us to breathe deeper. To feel the edges of our own being. To accept that we have a right to be here, in this body, with our life force energy flowing freely.
If you have been living in someone else’s story, or carrying someone else’s pain, or feeling haunted by something you can’t name, you are not alone. And it’s not your fault.
However, it is your responsibility to reclaim your space.
You don’t have to do it alone.
Ready to take the next step?
Join me at my next Systemic Constellations workshop — designed to support deep boundary work and reconnection with your ancestral field.
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